as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize