i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
