Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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