I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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