Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
