before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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