I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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