new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
