i wish my penis had a tongue
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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