I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
