im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
