For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
