From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize