The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
