I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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