my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
