There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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