come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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