You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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