go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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