tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
