Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
