I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
