Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
