That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
