last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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