Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
