I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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