census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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