found the other keg... it's in the tree
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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