to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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