What a fucking waste of an outfit
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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