So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
