I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
