Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
