never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
