Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
