I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
