There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
