How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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