no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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