i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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