; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize