i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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