the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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