Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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