If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
