Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
