i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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