she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
