The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
