I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
