so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
