Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
