im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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