I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
