i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
