Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
