Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just invented taco cereal.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
